haha.. sorry friends for my slow response.. can't really blame me mah... first you all act as though there is not much to be expected.. then suddenly you all dissappear.. then i become sad.. wa i have great difficulties recounting this.. probably typing in broken language.. help.. anyway.. now that i have time to rewind all that has taken place.. i am really grateful for all the effort you all put in for me =) thanks pals! gosh.. its not easy typing this.. yeah la smint! i got cry a little.. when i was recounting to simin.. A LITTLE ONLY.. thanks! heres thanksgiving list: thank you esther, sylvia and beverly for the hair accesories! haha.. shall use it on monday to show my appreciation! thanks!!! thanks chaneline for the coin box, handphone accessory and the very cute card! thanks christine, calcy(also for the bracelet), chinghee, sminty, kailin, priscilla, apriee, simin, xinhui, khaiqi, yihui and irene for the erm is it called doll??? or kimno dressed hanger??? yup thanks alot! thank you cheryl for the star necklace =D thank you godpa for the external drive!!! (hmm.. though i doubt you'll ever read this blog =p ), thanks yiyi for the customized teddy! thanks to mummy and jie jie for the er pending present.. daddy forgot mine!!! sob.. by the way apriee you deserve the grammy awards for the deft skills in hoodwinking me to believe that everyone has abandon me.. for a moment i thought you were the only friend i am left with la..even when i see alvin in gilerei ( ahh don't know the spelling) i still think they left me for lunch! i mean i suspected maybe there is more when i saw chinghee and prissy acting suspiciously outside the toilet..but i thought cancelled since calcy is feeling unwell.. wa.. so depressed can... made me feel so depressed then come and surprise me with quite embarrasing birthday song.. =p sorry i take very long to react when i am numb.. haha... as i have said all the time.. under extreme conditions i tend to switch off.. (e.g. extreme weather.. go to sleep.. extreme sadness go to sleep/ loss feelings) haha.. it took me like 7 hours to feel happy when i got my 'O' Levels result la.. haha... yeah so about the lack of ability to mask how i feel.. erm don't be dissappointed by my lack of enthusiasm.. was still recovering from the dissappointment.. haha.. Yes Apri you are such a pro in acting.. i totally fell for the trick.. gah.. congrats to prissy and gang! the success in making me depressed and the effort of surprise party!!! thanks all for coming and support me!

Labels: thanksgiving day

sigh.. my birthday is coming... why do i feel a sudden fear overwhelming me? what is it that i fear... it is consuming me.. and yet the fear in me is something so elusive.. it is not definite.. it engulfs me like a bottomless pit.. where the shades at the rim are so close one never really knows where it starts and ends..down down down... its so dark it never seems to end.. but i am not falling.. no.. i am quite sure of that.. or am i? the fear.. of changes... the fear of how a difference can change the comfort i have.. its just an extra number to my external age.. so what am i fearing.. will people change overnight? will the world be different when i wake up in the morning? is it anticipation? excitement? or am i just worrying too much.. the instability of the world.. everything is changing.. nothing is forever.. or is it? perhaps its the way things are... the blessings of a good crowd.. the contentment of belonging.. the wilful desire to hold on to this simple happiness... not necessarily with the most.. but.. i am falling... perhaps for so long that i have grown to be numb towards it.. when am i falling.. all the time? immune to it? haha.. how can i ever be... so much for phrasings like "words are cheap" etc.. truth is.. most of us THRIVE on the words we hear each day.. what makes your day a better day? a grand lauding on your skills? Praises in any form that compliments your whole being? BE HONEST.. in the end.. its not so much of a definite zone but of the effects it creates.. we have 3 basic colours in art: blue, red and yellow i think.. yes.. pleasently beautiful in its own rights..but its through the shades of colours that tends to take our breath away... the mirage of oranges at dusk.... the gentle waves of silvery blue on the lakes.. and they say.. its not the number of breaths we take that matters.. but the number of times we lost our breath.. ( haha... not exactly the last) so in the element of uncertainty.. not necessarily a bad thing.. at least it gives spaces for surprises.. haha.. so i am falling.. falling for the stunning effects of changes..

Labels: depth of emotions

silence allows reflection.. it really does doesn't it.. the power of silence and discovery... when in an empty room or otherwise.. silence amplifies whatever sounds we make.. silence here heightens our sense of hearing... silence allows us to deal with our own thoughts.. the perfect time to reflect.. its only in silence are we able to get more in touch with our surroundings.. the fall of a pin.. if only we would stop to listen.. there is so much to learn.. the language of the world the melody of nature... why do we get mad with frustration when it gets too noisy? could it be the entanglement in harmony of our self to the surrounding? silence is golden then... in how when we try to be at ease with ourself we go off in seclusion to meditate.. to gain the "inner peace"...haha.. a play on the word.. peace.. stability and again silence.. yet.. if peace is all the parts of such wonder.. why do we go mad in frustration when the world suddenly stops in silence... then the truth dawns on us.. one can't get too much of something.. we need the contrast to see the difference.. the comparison to have a preference.. without some noises we probably won't realize how nice it is to get away from the petty squabbles in the market.. just like a piece of music score.. what makes a melody so magical? the ups and downs.. the cresendos and falling cadances.. the fast pace and the slow pace.. a perfect mixture for the perfect mood.. ah.. a similarity to life isn't it.. without the depressions we wouldn't realize what is happiness.. without the dark days would we be able to appreciate the carefree and freedom of today? yes.. appreciate the silence.. but remember to listen for the music of nature.. it is only then will you see that nothing is absolute.. to reach a level of zen and perfect harmony..

Labels: silence

sob.. cry... been a long time since i updated my blog..and now that i am... i am in such a miserable mood... if life was a like a mountain.. then it explains the saying of mid-life crisis.. afterall.. if one never reaches the peak.. then would it be unfair? but then again.. everyone just want to reach greater heights to happiness and success right? is it wrong to have so much desire... that our wants are such the likes of a black hole that sees no ends to it all? is it bad to be such a greedy lot that can never be satasfied with their lot? haha.. but we question everything don't we..yet are we prepared to face the truth of our doubts? do we really want an answer to all our questions? it has been a long time since we assume that the black hole just sucks everything in its way.. full stop. thats what WE assume... BUT there is a theory now that may just change the very root of what we know.. wonder how those studying physics would react at the attack in the very basic rule of the study itself..personally i admit to being no pro in the studies.. a recent programme explains this concept ( is it the law of quantum???) anyhow it says that in every particle there is an information to it.. so say when a building pulverized.. by collecting the debris of particles.. one can very well get the building to the very way it was before.. that things do not dissappear by themselves.. however, a guy ( whom i forgot his great name) came up with this formula that says that the black hole while no doubt sucks everything.. one day.. it will come when the black hole itself dissappears.. and when it does... so will all that was sucked in whether it is the can of coke left in space ( er.. don't know how it'll ever end up there.. but then there's another thing i heard.. which should be a story left for next time?) or a piece a rock in space...so far so good.. in calculation and theory he is not wrong.. Still it is not enough for scientists to recgnize this theory.. (seems to have stir up quite a wave) imagine if they did! by uprooting the very foundation where other theories built on.. the recognition that things will eventually dissappear by itself would lead to question and doubt on how much does these "experts" know then.. do they then even hold to say that they have "profound" knowledge in what is now a rediscovery channel topic? afterall whats a tree without its roots? probably a piece of log? but to call it a tree???? hm... oh no.. seems like i have been sidetracking... sigh... its nice to learn new things each day.. makes one a different person from yesterday... afterall.. if an extra day of resource have no impact on anyone or anything then it would be an unhealthy blockage to the cycle of life.. wouldn't it? hail the young hero.. the next star... everyone sees the wonder of the success inadvertently.. they forget those who mark the winners... in having winners there would always be losers.. but who are they to hold a place in anyone's heart... this is reality.. this is fact.. a brutally cold hard fact... but who can deny it.. everyone is guilty but can we blame them? no.. and why..simply because the world has too many people in it and we can't expect everyone to be on the news everyday... its too much and too unrealistic.. a good piece of news is one that filters and highlights the key points of the day.. we all WANT and DESIRE to be WINNERS... winners and no less than that.. naturally we only read of winners so WE can be one as well.. who is going to care about the losers.. sure.. there is going to be a lesson to be learnt.. but why spend time on a failed attempt when there is a choice for otherwise... thats why there is fear.. the fear that mountain is not going to be the high.. afterall.. the dissappointment of being just a little hill.. not the still young and growing mt everest.. where its peak is still peaking since the whole mt is still growing.. sob.. i am breaking down.. if only... i hope there is more in height for me.. feel like i am in the pits now.. ok probably not the worst possible but.. enough to make me sad... the glory and accolades in good grades.. whats wrong with me.. as a student.. the only thing i do.. yet.. my grades..cry.. is my language breaking down? wallow in self pity.. thats not a mark of a winner.. lord be there for me.. i am lost.. probably incoherent now.. argh... there must be way out.. save if i can bear with it... writing clears the mind.. yet it feels too light headed.. like i've empty what little in there.. this is scary.. i want to be a winner too...

Labels: no sacrifice, no victory

wahh....things are getting from bad to worse...sob... first i lost my lit package... then my maid got angry with me... now after many months of catagorizing and collecting of songs...all is gone from my itunes....sob... just when i needed some happy songs too...ultra depressed... cant help but cry... wahhh.....so miserable... despite knowing there are people who are suffering way more... i can't help but feel upset by these series of events... god forgive me... cry...

Labels: cry

ahh.... so pissed!!!! frustrating... i can't find my literature poem package...sob... need to hand in assignment on monday somemore =( so sad... regret... was so irritated just now.. ahh pissed my maid off too.. bad point... made lots of tsk tsk irritated noise as i fumbled through my mountain of papers... feel bad.. probably spoilt her day too... now she is sleeping.. guess i just have to apologize to her tomorrow... =p fear that sorry has no cure...hmm... ahh... couldn't help it just now... ='' so frustrating!!!!!

Labels: argh

hmm.. ok i think i might be joining kat and farah for tution this week...have waited so long...even my dad have also gotten anxious...keep saying not much time left..ahhh... seriously is the world moving at a faster pace than before??? as in time slips pass way too fast!!! ahhh...

Labels: timing

hmm..maybe its time for me to join kat and farah for economics tution... first step to starting the engine...ahhh... inertia... need to take off!!!

Labels: Yaaaa

This is totally depressing... great times always whizzes pass.....ahh why is time moving at such a rapid rate!!!! argh... i havent even done anything productive and its the last day of march holidays... sob... seriously need to repent, reflect, and do something about it... so depressing... i am so not ready for examinations!!!! yeah and need to find tution.... sob.... argh... now have two essays to write one literature and one general paper essay...ahhhh.... need to be more focus in studies!!! ITS A MUST!!! JIAYOU!!!

Labels: GO GO GO... no excuse